89) Creature (1985) - A Nostalgic Horror Rental

"Whatever's in here, it's liable to be very pissed and hungry."

Director

William Malone

Cast

Stan Ivar - Capt. Mike Davison

Wendy Schaal - Beth Sladen

Lyman Ward - David Perkins

Diane Salinger - Melanie Bryce

Annette McCarthy - Dr. Wendy Oliver

Marie Laurin - Susan Delambre

Klaus Kinski - Hans Hofner

Also known as The Titan Find, the1985 science fiction horror movie Creature is a movie I've stumbled upon so many times since my days of perusing VHS covers during at the movie rental store back in the 1990s.

While some movies, perhaps too many of them, have stupid endings, Creature has a stupid beginning.

It begins with two dopey (unintentionally dopey of course, but when is dopiness intentional?) geological researchers, working for the American Multinational Corp., also know as NTI, are sniffing around an ancient alien laboratory somewhere on Saturn's largest moon, Titan.

While meandering around and looking like they're actually doing something important, they find a pod with an alien egg inside. And inside the egg, much to their surprise, is an alien. 

While sticking their helmeted faces right up to the pod window, one of these researchers sees the creature move.  

Though it naturally freaks him out, the other researcher blows off any potential threat so he can get a picture of this pod with the other researcher in the shot for the sake of size ratio. 

After the researcher notices a small crack in the egg, the other guy asks him to sit on top of the pod because...just for fun, I guess.

He's even more hesitant to do something that stupid and completely predictable for the audience. Regardless, he sits on the egg pod. 

What happens next shouldn't surprise anyone, nor even be called a "spoiler." The alien breaks out of the shell and  kills them both. The Marx brothers could have pulled off a better and more realistic opening scene. 

By the way, there's a sex scene in less than 15 minutes from the start. It's random, so I'll mention it just as randomly as it appears. 

After several months pass from the death of those two researchers, NTI sends out another ship over to Titan called the Shenandoah. The crew consists of a captain who's played by the guy who played John Carter on Little House on the Prairie (Stan Ivar), Simone from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure (Diane Salinger), Ferris Bueller's dad from Ferris Bueller's Day Off (Lyman Ward), this one lady who appeared on Night Court once (no, not Markie Post. I'm talking about Annette McCarthy), and Marie Laurin who previously played "Denise" on the Three's Company episode "Upstairs, Downstairs, Upstairs." It's a stellar cast! 

Actually, it was pretty cool to see Diane Salinger in something other than Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. 

Flying out in space, they all realize that it's much more than a hunch that this group must somehow form a family... LOL. No, seriously, while orbiting, they pick up a distress signal from the moon. 

They determine it's coming from a West German multinational corporation called Richter Dynamics. 

So, they land on an unstable area. The ground underneath caves in and the ship and crew fall into a cavern underground. 

This team of TV and movie has-beens attempts to contact anyone for help but find their radio doesn't work.

The next step is to send out a search party for these Germans and their ship which they eventually find. On board, the rescue party finds the bodies of the German crew. 

Suddenly, the alien creature kills one of the rescuers - Susan Delambre (Marie Laurin) - as she failed to catch up with the others who ran back to their ship.

When they get back to the Shenandoah, shocked and not sure what to do next, they find one of the Germans, Hans Hofner (Klaus Kinski) has snuck aboard.

Hofner explains how his crew was killed by these aliens, which he says were buried along with other life-forms from around space as part of some weird intergalactic exhibition. 

Since no one else is sure about what to do, Hofner says there's explosives back on his ship. He suggests they go back and attempt to retrieve them. But no one else is up to it. 

Soon, the bodies of the alien's victims start returning under the control of parasites.

One of the crew members, Jon Fennel (Robert Jaffe) sees Delambre alive outside the ship.

When he rushes out to retrieve her, she takes all of her clothes off and stands there naked in front of him.

She then removes his helmet which kills him. After that, she puts an alien parasite on his head. 

As the crew heads over to the Richter, they find Fennel onboard bandaged up and alive. Capt. Davison (Stan Ivar) is insistent Fennel be taken to see Dr. Oliver (Annette McCarthy) for a medical examination.

Fennel goes, only to accompany Dr. Oliver to the engineering part of the ship to feed her to the creature.

Davison and Perkins, for some reason, go check on Fennel. The scene they find is horrific. Sadly, it's too late to save Dr. Oliver, but Perkin's shoots Fennel and blows his head off. 

Basically, everyone runs around trying not to be the next meal for the alien, which we barely get to see, while wondering who is or isn't under its parasitic control. 

Creature is an Alien knock-off that meets John Carpenter's 1982 classic The Thing. This movie feels long, drawn out, and pretentious. 

Ferris Bueller's dad becomes the creature's meal in Creature.

The alien remains illusive from the audience. We barely get to see it. It's either too quick, obscured by shadow and darkness, or just hidden out of sight. I don't mind a little build up to bolster and audience's apprehension and fear. But it can be overdone, as it is in Creature. Just show us the alien!

Before I got to the end of the movie, I was certain that Salinger's character would reveal herself as a robot just as Ian Holm's character, Ash, did in Alien. Her performance is nothing short of robotic. 

I found out after watching this movie, that the film's writer, Neil Gaiman told "Imagine Magazine" (July, 1985-issue #28) that Creature is a rip-off of Alien. Despite this admission, (spoiler) she's not a robot.

Even before I found this out, it was completely obvious Creature pulls so much influence from Alien.

Director William Malone has made some horror movies that are mediocre at best such as Scared to Death, the Tales from the Crypt episode "Only Skin Deep," FeardotCom (that movie is less than mediocre),  and the 1999 remake House on Haunted Hill - a movie that makes up for its lack of scares with unsettling and gross images. Creature definitely falls to the bottom of his list of already average titles. Unlike House on Haunted Hill, the gore and attempt at inciting fear don't help his movie, Creature. 

I was bored by this dry and stale movie. Throughout the film, I waited for either the alien or the end to show up. I knew one of them had to come around eventually.

88) Parents (1989) - A Nostalgic Horror Rental

"You can sit down with us an eat, or you could run outside and shout your little secret to the world."

Director

Bob Balaban

Cast

Randy Quaid - Nick Laemle

Mary Beth Hurt - Lily Laemle

Bryan Madorsky - Michael Laemle

Sandy Dennis - Millie Dew

Juno Mills-Cockell - Sheila Zellner

Nearing the BIG & bloody100

My 1,000 days of watching horror movies you forgot about, wanted to forget about, or just haven't heard of...yet...is creeping up to my one-hundredth movie.

I personally consider that an accomplishment considering I've persevered through some creepy, disgusting, and truly forgettable stuff, as well as some newly found horror favorites since 2018.

Anyone familiar with my reviews and comments here, and especially over at my non-horror blog dontfastforward.blogspot.com probably knows I have a penchant for video rental stores and VHS tapes. It's pure nostalgia.

Anyways, over on DontFastForward, I have a list going for films I'm familiar with thanks to the old video rental store, California Video, I grew up near back in the late 1980s into the mid to late 1990s. I call that list Video Rental Chicken Fat.

For the next 13 movies until my one-hundredth review, I'm going to do the same kind of thing here. I'm going to check out some horror movies that I either haven't seen since renting them from the video store, or check out movies with box covers I remember seeing in the horror aisle of California Video. I'll call these reviews simply, "Nostalgic Horror Rentals."  And I'm starting with this cult classic - Parents. 

~ The Review ~

For reasons I can't remember, I rented this movie in my early teenage years, or perhaps before then, when my interest in horror movies was developing just like a lot of other things were back then. How I managed to talk my mom into renting this movie for me to watch is a feat to say the least. 

It didn't make any kind of sense to me. That much I remember. But despite it flying way over my young mind, I haven't forgotten this movie.  

Now, watching it through my adult eyes, thankfully Parents makes more sense.

The story takes place in 1950s suburban Massachusetts as 10-year old Michael Laemle (Bryan Madorsky) along with his parents, Nick (Randy Quaid) and Lily (Mary Beth Hurt) have just moved into their new neighborhood. 

Michael is a shy, socially awkward kid with an active imagination. He suffers from strange dreams and the images they leave in his head stem from suspicions about what his parents are doing after he goes to bed. The move to a new neighborhood is also a heavy weight for Michael. 

At his new school, his somber demeanor, comments, and artwork reflect what's going on inside. 

He's able to make one friend - Sheila Zellner. She's also new to the school, and has suspicions of her own about her own parents. 

One night, Michael wakes up and catches his parents in the living room having sex on the floor. This traumatizes him, and adds to the psychology turmoil he's enduring. Why they picked the living room to get it on doesn't make sense. But often kinkiness is born in bad decisions.

Anyways, his father works as a scientist and medical examiner for a company called Toxico. The company is developing a chemical defoliant for jungles. Nick examines human cadavers to see if the chemicals from Toxico have any role in their deaths. 

He takes his son to work with him one afternoon, where Michael learns what his dad does for a living.

Shortly after, Michael begins suspecting his parents are cannibals. 

He has a dream one night were human body parts are hanging on meat hooks in the basement. Or, was it a dream?

He takes his suspicions to his school counselor, Millie Dew (Sandy Dennis). 

Unbelieving, she tries working with Michael to get to the core of his social anxieties. 

Dew finally visits his home, when the unthinkable occurs leaving Michael with a decision no child should have.

Labeled a "black comedy horror," Parents isn't the kind of dark comedy that'll get laughs like, say, Beetlejuice or Army of Darkness. 

Randy Quaid and Mary Beth Hurt in Parents

This kind of comedy makes light of a dark and horrific subject matter. It's also a bit satirical as it takes place in the golden era of 20th Century America - the 1950s. It does get a little convoluted in regards to just what it wants to be - satirical or dark comedy. But regardless, I can see why this movie has a cult following. 

Watching it again, my first impression was that it's like A Christmas Story (minus the Christmas) meets The Shining. 

Styles reminiscent of both movies are present in Parents. 

The low camera angles, extended shots, cold atmosphere (emotionally speaking), and the symbolic scenes displaying Michael's descent into fear and maybe madness, particularly through his dreams, remind me a lot of Kubrick's The Shining as well as A Clockwork Orange. 

Michael has one particular dream where, in slow motion, he jumps into his clean bed. But his bed then slowly falls into a deep pool of blood where he's completely submerged in.

The child's dreams play an important part in Michael's perception and developing fear of his parents is similar to that of Danny Torrance's mental images caused by his "shining." While Michael doesn't have this extrasensory perception, dreams are much more sensible.

Like Kubrick, Director Bob Balaban really utilizes the key to good storytelling - show, don't tell. The composition of some scenes truly depict how the characters are feeling. For instance, there's one scene setup with Michael in profile sitting in the living room distant from his parents, not speaking or looking at them, while his parents are at the dining table - Nick standing over his wife from behind her like he's speaking into her ear - in the background engaged with each other and then looking up at Michael.

It seems everything in this story is carefully setup and composed. The effort is clear and worthy of appreciation.

Some scene transitions convey what's going on as Michael begins suspecting his parents.

One such transition takes place when a scene inside the medical examiner's room shifts to the next scene of Lily preparing meat in the kitchen. It might come across as a little too obvious but it grabs the audience's attention.

The setting has a tinge of satire towards fallen human nature, and how low man can fall, covered by the squeaky clean façade of post-war America reminds me of the humor found in Jean Shepherd's writings, and his film A Christmas Story which takes place in 1940s Indiana rather than in the late-1950s Massachusetts suburbs. Only, in Parents the humor is a lot darker. 

I'm glad I haven't forgotten this movie despite how high if flew over the head of my much younger self. I certainly appreciate it much more, and find myself still thinking about it days after watching it. 

I found an inexpensive copy packaged as a double-feature with another horror movie called Fear starring Ally Sheedy, and I'm glad I bought it. I've added Parents to my mental list of favorite horror films.

The acting is decent enough with Randy Quaid playing the quintessential father-knows-best type of dad. It mixes well with Mary Beth Hurt as Lily - a standard 1950s mom who spends her time in the kitchen, has her hair done perfect, and keeps a clean and white smile on her face at all times to hide any and all dirty laundry within. Hurt has a way of letting her dark secrets show through small facial features and expressions as she tries to keep up her appearances. 

Despite a bit of confusion as to what kind of film Parents is trying to be, I still found it gripping and entertaining. 

Bryan Madorsky in Parents

87) The Stuff (1985)

"Are you eating the stuff, or is it eating you?"

Director

Larry Cohen

Cast

Michael Moriarty - David "Mo" Rutherford

Andrea Marcovicci - Nicole

Garrett Morris- Charles "Chocolate Chip Charlie" Hobbs

Scott Bloom - Jason

Paul Sorvino - Col. Malcolm Grommett Spears

Danny Aiello - Mr. Vickers 

What do you do... no, what does an entire nation do when some random blue collar worker finds white goop bubbling out of the ground, tastes it, and discovers it's delicious. Well, that nation markets it as a dessert! And that's the plot of the 1985 satirical horror movie The Stuff - a jab at American consumerism and self-indulgence. 

Directed by Larry Cohen, who also sat in the director's chair for other classic horror movies such as It's Alive (1974) and  Full Moon High (1981), the movie starts with a railroad worker stumbling upon a substance that resembles melted vanilla ice cream gurgling out of the ground.

Curious, he scoops a bit up with his finger, smells it, and then tastes it to see if he can figure out what it is. He mutters how good it tastes, and goes for more.

Some coworkers approach asking what he's up to. He tells them to taste his discovery. To them, it's sweet and delicious. 

The scene cuts directly to this substance packaged and available on store shelves ready for consumers. Labeled "The Stuff", it's packaged in cartons like ice cream. 

The advertisements claim it has no calories, tastes great, and doesn't fill you up. 

The Stuff is in immediate high-demand across the country.

Executives and CEOs of various ice cream and other junk-food companies collectively hire former FBI agent turned corporate saboteur, David "Mo" Rutherford (Michael Moriarty) to investigate the ingredients in the Stuff so they can come up with a similar product for the sake of competition. 

During his investigation, Rutherford is joined by a famed junk-food personage, Charles "Chocolate Chip Charlie" Hobbs (Garrett Morris - Saturday Night Live) who's also suffering financially thanks to the Stuff. 

People at random start falling under the control of this tasty alien sludge. Yet, consumers still can't get enough of it.

Meanwhile, a young boy named Jason (Scott Bloom) heads down to the kitchen late one night for a snack. When he opens the fridge, he finds the Stuff out of its container and moving around in the fridge on its own. 

His dad catches him standing in front of the open fridge, and is upset he woke him up so early in the morning.

Jason tries to tell his dad that he saw the Stuff moving outside of its carton. When his dad goes to see for himself, the Stuff is back in the carton as though nothing happened. 

His father acts irrationally angry. Soon, Jason realizes his family is acting strange which he rightly attributes to their addictive consumption of the dreaded Stuff. 

Jason's fear drives him to visit the local grocery store with a baseball bat and destroy all displays and inventory of the Stuff that's for sale. 

His stunt makes the news, which grabs the attention of skeptical Rutherford. 

Jason's family tries forcing him to eat the Stuff. He takes a container to his room and says he'll eat it there. 

However, he sneaks into the bathroom, dumps it out, and replaces it with shaving cream. 

Heading back downstairs, Jason starts reluctantly eating the shaving cream in front of his family to fool them.

It doesn't take long before they catch on to his lie. His parents try physically forcing him to eat it, but he runs out of the house.

Just in time, Rutherford pulls up and tells Jason to get in. He does, and they head out to ultimately destroy the ground well where the Stuff is oozing out of.

Rutherford enlists the help of U.S. Army Col. Malcolm Grommett Spears (Paul Sorvino) who has a small but effective Army of his own.

And their mission now becomes one to save the world from the evil Stuff. 

I don't think this movie is as obscure as other horror movies I've reviewed. But I'm sure there's a lot of people who aren't familiar with it. 

As far as satirical horror movies, I'd place The Stuff on the same shelf as movies like They Live (1988). And for its gorey elements, it's a few notches below one of my favorite comedy horror movies Cabin in the Woods (2012) and a few notches above Gremlins (1984). 

It's pure schlock - a film not meant to be taken with any degree of seriousness. Just watch it, chow a bucket of popcorn, and whatever you get out of it (laughs, cringes, eye-rolls) is what you get out of it.

Yes, there are a ton of "why would they do that moments" starting with the first character that appears on screen tasting an unknow substance spewing out of the ground at a railroad yard to the sudden shift of the entire United States putting that same crap on the market. 

But despite the terribly scripted dialogue, atrocious acting, barely passable to just plain laughable special effects, some of the actors really seemed to be enjoying their parts, especially Garrett Morris as "Chocolate Chip" Charlie. In fact, aside from a few of scenes where the Stuff devours people from the inside out and dead people are suddenly alive again, Morris, a veteran comedian from Saturday Night Live is the most entertaining actor of the movie. He has a lot of energy, charm, and personality. 

Morris is an underrated comedian, actor, and singer. He has an impressive list of films and is fun to watch in The Stuff.

Michael Moriarty plays his serious business role a little over the top. I'm sure he meant to be so which is fine for a movie like this. 

Clara Peller and Abe Vigoda in The Stuff.

But the story execution is a little too easy. For instance, in the scene where Jason runs out of his house away from his family, Rutherford just picks him up and takes him along to destroy the Stuff. It's a sudden rescue attempt with no care on Jason's part about getting in a car with a complete stranger. No questions. No concerns. 

One notable scene is a commercial parody of the famous "Where's the beef?" catchphrase that was popular back in the 1980s thanks to the Wendy's commercial. 

This spoof features Clara Peller, the actress who originally uttered the catchphrase, this time stating "Where's the Stuff?"

It also has a very, very brief cameo from none other than Abe Vigoda. It also dates the movie.  

The story and stereotypical characters are what makes this satirical comedy. And that much, it does well enough. It's a popcorn classic for sure.

NEW HORROR RELEASES - 86) Malefice: A True Story of a Demonic Haunting

"Demons don't ask for prayers." 

Director

Billy Lewis

Cast

Sean Austin

Dave Spinks

Eric Conner

Ralph Sarchie

When it comes to the paranormal, I'm more skeptical of people who call themselves "experts" than I am of the existence of demons and ghosts.

If outer space is the great unknown, life after death is even more so. And the outer-space experts study years to become such.

In regards to spirits and the afterlife, there's so much unknown which we'll only find out after we shuffle off our mortal coil. Do human souls really haunt locations? If so, why would a soul stay in a certain spot for years, even centuries after death? And why do they stay in abandoned homes, attics, and basements? Self-proclaimed paranormal "experts" in movies and programs that surround the topic of ghostly activity often give audiences an answer to the "whys." They might claim with absolute certainty in front of cameras that spirits are bound by "unfinished business" or "they're scared to go towards the light." But what do they know for sure and how do they know it? Being a researcher is one thing. Being an expert of the unknown needs a lot of substance.

I question how someone can claim to be an "expert" in the field of the paranormal. It's a lot speculation and conjecture that's passed off as certainty.

The independent thriller documentary Malefice: A True Story of a Demonic Haunting was released through the streaming service ScareNetwork.tv on June 15. I was invited to watch an early viewing of it. 

The documentary surrounds paranormal investigator Sean Austin, a lead investigator on the Travel Channel series, Ghost Loop, who believes he assisted the souls of deceased women into the next life while conducting a paranormal investigation inside an old house in Ohio five years ago.

He claims these souls were trapped inside the house by malevolent forces, with audio recordings of alleged spirits and demons to back up the claims. According the Austin, these women were kept in the house against their will during their lifetime by someone who tortured and killed them.

Austin also claims that in the five years following this incident, demonic forces have been trying to retaliate for his stealing those souls from it. 

Now, he attempts to rid himself of this demonic infestation in his life once and for all by returning to the original Ohio home with fellow investigators, Dave Spinks and Eric Conner to help him send these demons back to hell.

Paranormal investigator Sean Austin.

The documentary guest stars Ralph Sarchie, a retired New York Police Sargant turned "traditional Catholic" demonologist. Sarchie is the inspiration behind the 2014 horror film Deliver Us From Evil. 

I don't think you can discuss the existence of spirits without going into religion because religious institutions are the front runners in any discussion of an afterlife. So, pardon me if I sound preachy.

Austin's claims his knowledge of what took place in that home- the women who were supposedly tortured and killed - comes from mental images he received during the investigation. All claims are presented as being understood that this is how it all works. There's nothing to back these claims up other than Austin's mental vision. We have to take this history at his word. 

One thing I find frustrating about many paranormal investigation programs is the lack of any serious inquiry towards the spirits people think their communicating with. Not many ask about the reality of the afterlife nor what death is like. Rather, they ask spirits how many fingers are they holding up, and if they can kick a ball around. 

If these investigators are actually in contact with a spirit from beyond, and maybe they are, that's a huge breakthrough as far as any investigation and research is concerned. There's so much to ask about life after death, heaven and hell, and why spirits take up residence in the basement of an abandoned house rather than someplace that's less of a drag. 

To Austin and his team's credit, their questioning is taken more seriously than many popular TV ghost hunting show.

On one of their nights investigating, the crew use radio devices called a Gateway which eliminates radio interruption so ghosts can speak more freely through radio signals. 

They use three of these Gateways in order to provide a wide spectrum of frequencies. I don't follow why spirits need radio signals to communicate. Regardless, Austin does ask the supposed voices he claims are the spirits and even the demon(s) about what took place while these women were alive, and what they endured. These radio voices supposedly back up his claims. And it's all presented as understood.

The claims would certainly be more credible if some historic documentation was presented. But it's not. The only claim of veracity to the backstory of this building is paranormal investigator Austin's mental visions and voices on the radio. How does that verify anything? It would certainly be more believable if there was something substantial indicating what the house was previously used for, and who used to live there. 

Where's the police involvement? Where's the factual history of the house? Who was the previous owner? All the audience has is what Austin saw in his head. 

Catholic prayers and practices are used in the attempt to exorcise the demonic entities. This includes Austin's use of the Roman Rite of Exorcism used by Catholic priests. 

As a Catholic myself, I was under the impression the Roman Rite of Exorcism was reserved for ordained Catholic priests with the explicit permission from their Bishop, following an investigating into the claim of demonic activity, according to Canon Law. That's one thing these paranormal experts don't seem to mention. Exorcist, after all, is one of the minor orders a seminarian receives on his way to becoming a priest. Would the Catholic Church, or any religion, consider mental visions and some radios to be evidence of demonic activity?

And while anyone can say certain prayers of exorcism, such as the Catholic prayer to St. Michael the Archangel which is recited in the movie, the Roman Ritual is reserved for ordained clergy in the Catholic Church. I mention this because of the way those in the documentary present themselves as experts to the audience.

Nevertheless, I have to cheer for their resorting to Catholic prayers. Call me biased, but how could I not do so? 

Demonologist Ralph Sarchie

The intriguing part of this documentary is its "what if" aspect. What if hauntings are real? That's what most of the paranormal programs have going for them as far as keeping an audience's attention. 

It's the ghost story aspect that kept me sticking around to the end. I took the ghosts, or rather the idea that maybe they're actually there, more seriously than the actual living people in the film.

Otherwise, the documentary comes across as pretentious, and with little to fall back on. Aside from the creepiness of the whole scenario, which is done well, the rest is irritatingly self-conceited and frustrating. 

There's hardly anything informative in this documentary for the audience to take away. I'd still like to know if there were, in fact, women who were tortured and killed in this house, and if their remains were ever found.

Malefice is more of a showcase about this team trying to gain evidence of ghosts, and their thoughts along the way. For audiences watching this, thoughts and questions about death, ghosts, and demons are a byproduct of watching a few guys "hunting" ghosts for an hour and a half. The solidity in the documentary's reasons as to why I'm supposed to believe the word of these experts is just ridiculously lacking. All we have is their word. Why? Because they're "experts" of the unknown.

85) Tusk (2014)

"It's good to cry. It separates us from the animals. Shows you have a soul."

Director

Kevin Smith

Cast

Justin Long - Wallace Bryton

Genesis Rodriguez - Ally Leon

Haley Joel Osment - Teddy Craft

Michael Parks - Howard Howe

Johnny Depp - Guy Lapointe

Comic book guru Kevin Smith's famous (or infamous) horror film Tusk isn't necessarily obscure. 

I initially wasn't going to share my thoughts on this imaginative horror film, but like all the other times I've said "I wasn't going to..." I'm going to.

This is a film that is not meant for everyone. I suppose that's true for any horror movie, or really any movie of any genre. But Tusk is one film in the horror aisle where this disclaimer needs to be emphasized. 

Last August, I wrote a post called Did Tom Six and Rob Zombie Take Horror Too Far? in which I discussed the Dutch horror movie The Human Centipede. 

In the post, I said:

I reluctantly have to give this film credit in that it went beyond the standard norms of SciFi horror films which take grisly scenarios and water them down as far as content goes. Teens are generally the target audience so there has to be a line drawn somewhere, even among slasher flicks. Movie makers can depict a head being severed, or a naked woman being sawed in half, but some lines still can't be crossed. I don't know what those lines are exactly. And quite possibly, neither do movie makers.

The entire purpose behind The Human Centipede seems only to cross lines - to elevate the horror genre to something even more unspeakable than before.

The same can certainly be said of Tusk. However, unlike The Human Centipede, Smith's movie comes from an area of a dark and twisted imagination lies closer to the mental realm where comical and inquisitive thoughts are born, such as "what would happen if someone was surgically transformed into a walrus?"

That's Tusk.

In this movie two friends, Wallace Bryton (Justin Long) and Teddy Craft (Haley Joel Osment) host the "Not-See Party" podcast in which they search social media for humiliating viral videos for the sake of public mockery and ridicule. 

As the movie starts, Bryton and Craft mock a young boy who inadvertently became an internet celebrity for accidentally severing his leg with a katana sword. 

Bryton flies to Manitoba, Canada to interview the kid in the viral "Kill Bill Kid" video as it's called.

When he reaches his destination, Bryton learns the young boy committed suicide because of the unwanted fame and global humiliation. 

Not wanting to have his trip turn into a waste, he looks for another person to talk to for the podcast.

Bryton soon finds a post on a community billboard advertising a room in their home and free "interesting stories."  

Thinking this may be the only opportunity to head back with something worthwhile for the podcast, he calls the number on the flyer, and is invited to the huge estate of Howard Howe (Michael Parks). 

When Bryton arrives, Howe- a retired seaman whose confined to a wheelchair - invites him in for some tea.      

He tells Bryton about an experience he had with a walrus he dubbed "Mr. Tusk" that rescued him from a shipwreck. 

Michael Parks and Justin Long in Tusk.

As he's sharing this interesting story, Bryton passes out thanks to his tea being laced with some kind of sedative. 

When he awakens the next morning, he finds that Howe can walk. But that's not the biggest alarm. He also finds himself strapped to a wheelchair and his left leg amputated. 

Howe quickly informs Bryton that he's going to surgically transform him into a well constructed form of Mr. Tusk.

When Howe isn't looking, Bryton manages to send a voicemail to his girlfriend, Ally (Genesis Rodriguez) before his maniacal kidnapper knocks him unconscious. 

Meanwhile, Ally and Craft fly to Manitoba to find Bryton without knowing where exactly he is. 

Howe continues to mutilate and transform Bryton while telling him how he was sexually abused by clergy for years while he was a foster child.

Howe sews together large pieces of human flesh to alter Bryton's appearance, and surgically inserts large tusks made from the tibia bones in his severed legs.

Finally, Howe's victim is a monstrosity in the shape of a walrus - fins, tail, tusks, and all.

Ally and Craft enlist the help of a French Canadian Inspector named Guy Lapointe (Johnny Depp) who, it turns out, has been searching for Howe for years.

He's certain Howe has Bryton, and is just as determined to find him as he's always been. 

Lapointe believes Bryton is still alive, but tells Ally and Craft he may not appear as they remember him. 

Back at Howe's place, he keeps Bryton in a pool under the house, and forces him to act and think like a walrus. 

He also opens up to Bryton, admitting he killed Mr. Tusk and ate him before being rescued. He now lives with the guilt of killing his flippered savior.

So, for the sake of reliving his final moments of joy with Mr. Tusk, Howe has spent 15 years kidnapping victims, surgically transforming them into walrus creatures, and trying to relive the past. 

Bryton the walrus has nothing to lose now, so he engages Howe in a fight. 

If he's to suffer in human skin sewn to look like a walrus's pelt, he might as well thrown in a serious punch (figuratively speaking).

Tusk is to be taken precisely for the twisted and horrific story it is. I can't say this is a good movie nor can I say it's bad. I can't even say I recommend it.

The grotesqueries are unsettling for sure. And Justin Long's walrus make-up is absolutely impressive and most certainly unforgettable. Well, the entire movie is unforgettable. Once you watch it, you can't take it back. You can't wash it out of your memory. It'll always be that Kevin Smith movie about the guy who's turned into a walrus. 

Tusk is Kevin Smith's own demented version of something along the lines of The Human Centipede. 

And everyone in this movie, despite the horrid nature of it all, puts in so much effort as though they're all in on one monumental joke. 

Michael Parks is impressive as a maniacal old sailor burden with years of guilt for killing his walrus buddy. Despite the ridiculousness of that premise, he plays out the character demented old character well.

Johnny Depp's character, however, grows irritating as he rambles on in distracting, sometimes pointless, dialogue and exposition with his faux French Canadian accent. Guy Lapointe seems like a poor man's version of Peter Seller's Salty Swedish Sea Dog character from Revenge of the Pink Panther. 

While the makeup makes Depp nearly unrecognizable, the rest of his character takes the realism out of the movie. That's odd to say about a movie that centers on a person being surgically mutilated into a walrus. But this movie's tone leans far into realism with the dark...very dark...humor in its premise.

Tusk is an experience for those with stomachs of iron.  

Evidently, the idea for the movie comes from a story Smith told on his weekly podcast, SModcast.

In a particular episode, Smith and his friend and producer, Scott Mosier, spoke of an advertisement found on the British-based classified ads website, gumtree.com. 

The ad was supposedly placed on the website by a homeowner looking for a roommate, and willing to provide living space rent free provided the roommate dress like a walrus. 

Smith gave his listeners a chance to decide whether he should make such a movie by logging into Twitter and tweeting "#WalrusYes" or "#WalrusNo." 

Though the ad turned out to be a prank, the movie is real. 

What Smith is trying to accomplish with his movie, I think he succeeded. I doubt he's trying to create something absolutely phenomenal in the genre of horror. Rather, Smith creates one of the darkest, strangest, unforgettable film experiences I and surely others have ever seen. Who can argue Tusk is none of those things?  

84) Mama Dracula (1980)

"I am lost without you. And you, professor, are lost without me."

Director

Boris Szulzinger

Cast

Louise Fletcher - Countess Erzbert Dracula

Marc Henri Wajnberg - Vladimir

Alexandre Wajnberg - Ladislas

Jimmy Shuman - Peter Van Bloed

Maria Schneider - Nancy

When a movie like Billy the Kid vs Dracula is more engaging and entertaining than whatever other movie you might be watching, you know what you have on is bad. 

I found the 1980 Belgian horror comedy Mama Dracula in a box set of 20 public domain vampire movies called Vampires &More!. I paid about $5 for the set.

The movie is a mix of Young Frankenstein with a touch of Rocky Horror Picture Show minus the singing transvestite. And it stars Nurse Ratched herself from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Louise Fletcher. 

This isn't the first terrible horror movie Fletcher starred in. In 1977 she played Dr. Gene Tuskin in the horror thriller everyone loves to hate - Exorcist II: The Heretic.

In Mama Dracula, a haematologist (someone who studies the physiology of blood) named Peter Van Bloed (Jimmy Shuman) receives a letter from Countess Erzbert Dracula (Fletcher) inviting him to Transylvania to work on creating a substitute for human blood. She offers him $1 million for the monumental task.

He accepts and takes a ship over to her castle to start right away.

The Countess lives with her twin sons, Vladimir (Marc-Henri Wajnberg) and Ladislas (Alexandre Wajnberg) who are quite the outlandish pair of blood sucking vampires. 

The Countess tells Van Bloed that thanks to her practice of bathing in the blood of virgins, she's able to maintain her long life.

Her sons run a high-end clothing store as a front for kidnapping virgins. They invite their victims to try on clothing, and when the unsuspecting girls go into the dressing room, one of the brothers sneaks in through a trap door and pulls them into a secret room. 

In order to supply the amount of blood the Countess is demanding, Van Bloed needs an extensive supply of virgins. So, Vladimir and Ladislas work doubly hard kidnapping as many virgins as they can. As the story takes place in modern times, some tongue-in-cheek humor arises as Countess notices the number of virgins has dwindled over the decades.

It doesn't take long before the police catch on to the sudden disappearance of all the young women. 

A policewoman named Nancy (Maria Schneider, Last Tango in Paris) investigates the surge of disappearances, only to be kidnapped herself by the Countess. 

She keeps Nancy imprisoned in her castle. But when Van Bloed meets her, he immediately falls in love with her.

Louise Fletcher as Countess Erzbert Dracula in Mama Dracula.

The story told in Mama Dracula pulls inspiration from the true story of Countess Elizabeth Bathory of Hungary, who died in 1614.

The Guinness Book of World Records lists Bathory as the most prolific female serial murderer with a victim count of approximately 650 people. However, the number of her victims isn't certain. 

Among the tales told of Bathory was her habit of bathing in the blood of virgins for the sake of retaining her youth. 

The true story is more captivating to me than this movie.

The Wajnbergs's performances are terrible and annoying. They're constantly making slapstick faces in awkwardly angled closeups - licking their fangs and tweaking their lips, hissing at random moments, and wanting to bite the neck of anything human. It's as though they think the audience randomly forgets they're vampires.

The humor is completely dry and inane. Jimmy Shuman, and the Wajnberg twins are basically the comic relief of the whole movie. 

Shuman's role is either flying off the handle in the best mad scientist impression he can conjure up, or he's an overly anxious, jittery blood expert.   

Fletcher as the Countess is as threatening as a hair on a shower wall. She uses her stereotypical Transylvania accent when she talks, has little emotion, and is on screen less than the Wajnbergs.  

She doesn't fit the role at all. Nor does Fletcher look like she's having much fun in the part. And the sex appeal is not even bothered with. Her lax performance is a stark contrast to that of the Wajnbergs.  They're flamboyantly all over the place, jumping around like elementary school kids dressed as vampires for Halloween, opening their capes like Batman, and occasionally throwing in a "blah" now and then.

Indecently, these vampires don't succumb to the conventional dangers vampires generally avoid - sunlight, garlic, crucifixes. Out of the goodness of my dumb ol' heart, I'll give the movie a point for at least trying to be its own thing in that regard. 

Though I criticize the humor, one scene managed to get a laugh out of me. 

During a montage where the Vampire brothers are kidnapping virgins out of the changing room, one of the potential victims is a young girl who acts like she's on to their scheme. 

They kidnap her and take her to the back of the store. 

She smirks, and lifts up her dress revealing a cross on the front of her underwear. The vampire smiles and shakes his head. Then she turns around, and lifts the back of her dress revealing a Star of David on the backside of her underwear. The vampire then recoils in horror.   

Despite that one gag, the movie is difficult to watch, boring to watch, irritating to watch, and confusing to watch. 

Marc-Henri and Alexandre Wajnberg, and Jimmy Shuman.

And on top of the terrible acting, strange imagery, ridiculous humor, and convoluted story, is the damn harpsichord music playing like it's on a perpetual loop. It's annoying and as cliché as can be. This music is what Mama Dracula falls back on to scare the audience. Needless to say, it doesn't work-not even accidentally. 

What was an accident was my sticking through it just to see how it would end. Thankfully, it does end. I could say that's the best part of the movie, but why kick a movie that much when it's already down. 

There is one point where, thanks to exposition, the story starts to come together. And then it just goes in random directions, all culminating to some weird fashion show that just threw me off completely. 

I don't regret watching Mama Dracula. But I do regret the 25 cents I spent on the movie.

83) C.H.U.D. (1984)

"They have the power to shut the sky."

Director

Douglas Cheek

Cast

John Heard - George Cooper

Christopher Curry - Capt. Bosch

Daniel Stern - A.J. "The Reverend" Shepherd

Kim Greist - Lauren Daniels

Before Daniel Stern and John Heard appeared in the well-loved Christmas movie Home Alone, they starred together in the sci-fi horror not-so-well-loved movie, C.H.U.D. 

As Home Alone is about the comedic escapades of a young boy defending his home from two dim-witted burglars in the most hilarious way possible, C.H.U.D. centers on the escapades of a town defending itself from cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers (C.H.U.D.) who are devouring residents including some of the homeless population.

C.H.U.D. is a movie that, for some reason, popped into my list of recommendations on a few streaming services I use. So, I finally checked it out since the unseen lords of Amazon Prime, Hoopla, and a couple others wanted me to see this so badly.

C.H.U.D. opens with a woman walking her dog down an empty New York City street at night. 

She doesn't notice the manhole cover slowly open as two scaled claws poke out ready to catch her.

The creature beneath grabs her by the ankles as she passes by, dragging her and the dog into the dank, sultry darkness below.

The story shifts to a former fashion photographer named George Cooper (John Heard) who lives with his girlfriend, Lauren (Kim Greist).

Cooper has taken up a new project photographing New York City's homeless population. A large portion of that population reside literally underneath the city streets. They're referred to as "undergrounders."

Meanwhile, there has been an increasing number of missing persons being reported. Police Captain Bosch (Christopher Curry) takes up the investigation as his wife, Flora, is among those missing. 

Bosch questions A.J. (Daniel Stern), who calls himself "The Reverend" as he operates a soup kitchen for the homeless.

A.J. thinks the sudden surge of missing person reports is due to a huge government conspiracy. He claims to have evidence supporting this belief. 

Bosch also starts to suspect that his superiors know more about the situation than they're admitting. 

Looking into that situation further, he soon realizes they're taking commands from Wilson (George Martin) who works for the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. (NRC)

These slimy cannibalistic humanoid creatures are surviving on the flesh of the undergrounders. The number of undergrounders, though, is diminishing. The cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers are now rising from the sewers to look for victims above. 

The best scene in the movie takes place when two cops, played by John Goodman and Jay Thomas, show up to a diner. Who also shows up soon after? The monsters! They attack the restaurant, killing both cops and a waitress. This attack is what draws the public's attention to the existence of these monsters.

George and A.J. end up working together, and find out that the NRC is directly involved. The Commission has been discreetly hiding toxic waste under the streets of New York City.

The undergrounders have been exposed to this waste causing them to mutate into the flesh-eating creatures.

Now, officials are left with the problem of how to stop these things as they rise from underneath. 

C.H.U.D. such a typical late night creature feature movie. I wouldn't watch it any other time of day. It's a movie that needs all the help it can get. 

At first, I wondered if this film is trying to convey some sort of environmental message, or making a statement regarding the lack of concern over the homelessness issue and the way it was dealt with back in the 1980s, or if it's making some general depiction about the condition of American cities underneath corrupt leaders, corporations, and political bureaucracies. Whatever the case is, it's all a far-fetched depiction. 

But it does deserve some credit for the effort behind the make-up of the underground cannibals with their overstretched glistening skin, yellow bulbous eyes, and dripping jagged fangs protruding from behind infectious bloody gums which looks like their lips fell off or dissolved. 

Daniel Stern's performance is fun to watch. His character is not just another stagnant horror movie trope. I found myself wanting to see him pop into frame, especially when the movie began to bore me. 

The rest of the cast, including the monsters, come across as typical and underwhelming. There's little enthusiasm.
The movie did little to nothing for me. All I found entertaining was seeing Daniel Stern and John Heard on screen together because... Home Alone. 

C.H.U.D. tries to create a twist by Bosch admitting to A.J. that it was his wife who was pulled into the sewer while walking the dog. 

I admit I didn't see that coming. Still, my reaction to it didn't excel past a mere "hmmm." 

I initially wasn't going write a review for this film because I had trouble staying focused. Perhaps in the future, I'll give it a second chance lest my thoughts change in some way.

Despite the movie's attempt at instilling fear and terror, I found it boring and flat overall. C.H.U.D. is one big feeble attempt to make either a satirical or subversive commentary about the state of affairs back then, resulting in a stupid, slightly pretentious little movie that now only has nostalgia going for it. 

Evidently, there's a sequel to this flick. Despite my better judgement, the search is on to find it. I'm not anticipating a grand time, though.